Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi, get out! We don't want your type in here."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says
"I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own Vimto.
2 men, having been marooned in the desert for days and slowly dying of thirst, notice a mirage ahead of them. On approaching the mirage, they see it is a set of stalls of all different colours and shapes. They go to the first stall, where the hawker cries, "Bananas! Custard! Strawberries!". "We'll have some of that" said the 2 men, and wolfed down the bananas, custard and strawberries. They went to the next one, where the hawker is crying "Apples! Jelly!". The men can't believe their luck, and greedily gobble up the lovely food. The next stall - "Sponge! Bananas! Custard!" etc., and this goes on and on until the men have completely had their fill.
Walking away from the bizarre, one of them says, "Well, I really can't believe our luck to find such a place in the middle of the desert!"
My word what an intersting selection. Like the jump lead one... As for you Nick I actually laughed more at the fact you messed the joke up than the joke itself. Yes indeed next friday the first thing I will be mentioning will be bananas custard and trifles...
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and
asks to see the manager.
The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see
you, she's £100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought he's trying to pull a
fast one
So I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits? . He said How flexible are you? . I said I can't make Tuesdays .
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I said Do you want a game of Darts? , he said OK then , I said
Nearest to bull starts . He said Baa , I said Moo , he said You're
closest .
Mike, you've really got me laughing and hellsbells they liked that in my office. I have to say everyone, you've made my day a heck of lot more interesting. Rude or not!
A man walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for cod n chips twice - the bloke behind the counter says, it's ok, I heard you the first time...
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said Do you get my drift? .
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it , he said Those are pickled onions .
Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it
will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So this bloke says to me, Can I come in your house and talk about
cleaning your carpets? . I thought That's all I need, a Je-hoover's
witness .
So I rang up British Telecom, I said I want to report a nuisance caller
, he said Not you again .
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said You
remind me of a pepper-pot , I said I'll take that as a condiment .
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought That's a turtle disaster.
What do you call a bear with no father?
Rupert the Bastard
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
I thought they were Tommy Cooper, Mike...hmmm...Well this one is anyway.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
This one I can't remember where I first heard it but it still makes me laugh :)
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the car!"
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