ANY GOOD JOKES?!!?!

  • Natalie Rowan

    Actor

    HELLO

    DOES ANYONE KNOW ANY GOOD JOKES THAT I COULD TELL AT AN AUDITION? IT CAN BE ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING?! CLEAN OR DIRTY?!

    ALSO ANY TIPS ON COMIC TIMING WOULD BE FAB..........

    I'VE NEVER BEEN TO AN AUDITION LIKE THAT BEFORE? PLEASE HELP!

    THANX GUYS X

    • 2nd Jul 2006
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    what audition needs you to tell a joke?

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 1
  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    two snowmen standing in a field, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell carrots?"

    hehehhe.......sorry I know it's a kids one but it always makes me laugh!

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 2
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    Why are pirates called pirates?

    Because theyarrrrughhh

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 3
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    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "who's going to drive this thing?"

    Sorry, awful, I know, but it's the only clean one I can think of!

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 4
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    How does an eskimo build his house?

    'E glues it together...

    I'll get my coat.

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 5
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    Horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"

    Ah, oldy but goldy (bit like me!!)

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 6
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    why did the baker have smelly hands?

    because he kneaded a poo.

    -------------------------------------------

    two left feet walk into a shoe shop and ask for a paif of flips flips.

    • 28th Jun 2006
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  • Debra Baker

    Actor

    Hi

    This is my first EVER posting, so be kind!!

    Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: 15. One to change the lightbulb, and the other 14 to watch and say 'I could have done that better!'

    Good luck with the audition.

    Debra x

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 8
  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    hah very good dDebra!!

    two parrots on a perch one says "can you smell fish?"

    • 28th Jun 2006
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  • Angela May

    Actor

    What's small, pink, wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

    Grandma :P

    • 28th Jun 2006
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  • Blake J Askew

    Actor

    Why dont they let greeks play football?

    Because every time they get a corner, they open a cafe!!!!

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 11
  • User Deleted

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    Ask the panel to spell;

    'methylenedioxymethamphetamine'

    When they try and fail, say simply ;

    'E'

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 12
  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    hmmmm if she's going for TIE might not be the wisest of jokes!!

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 13
  • Sally Beaumont

    Actor

    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one: but the lightbulb has really got to want to change.

    An involved joke but a personal fave:

    Once upon a time there was a mummy, daddy and baby balloon

    (you have to bear with this joke as it appears it's going to be rude. the longer you spin it out the better).

    One night baby balloon couldn't sleep, so went to sleep in his parents' bed. But there was no room.

    So he went to his daddy and very quietly let some of his air out.

    PPPHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    (This noise is entirely necessary).

    But still, he wouldn't fit.

    So he went to his mummy:

    PPPPPPPPPPPPPHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    But he still couldn't fit in.

    So he let a little bit of his air out.

    PPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    And finally he fitted! So he settled in and fell asleep.

    In the morning he woke up all alone. He went downstairs and there was a frosty atmosphere in the kitchen. Neither his mummy nor his daddy would meet his eye.

    Eventually his daddy said:

    "Son, last night you let me down, you let your mother down. But worst of all, you let yourself down!"

    I love that!

    Let us know which one you choose!

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 14
  • Keith Patrick

    Actor

    Well, this is a bit of a one did make me giggle at the time...

    Witnessed an embaressing scene in the park yesterday. A pretty young girl was sitting on a bench reading a book, when a tramp approached her.

    "Hi gorgeous," he leered. "How about the two of us getting it on?"

    "How dare you!" Shrieked the girl. I'm not one of your cheap pick-ups you know!" "No," said the tramp. "What are you doing in my bed then?"

    A bit gross, but hey...It's a freebie!

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 15
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    Teething Problems,

    The kids file back into class on Monday morning. Their weekend assignment was to sell something then give a talk on salesmanship.

    Little Mary leads off, "I sold homemade biscuits and i made £30," she says proudly.

    "Very good", says the teacher.

    Little Sally is next, "I sold old magazines", she says, "I made £45."

    "Very good Sally," says the teacher.

    Eventually, it's little Johnny's turn. He walks to the front of the classroom and dumps a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

    "£2,467," he says smugly.

    "How much?!" cries the teacher,"what in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," says little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes?" echoes the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," says little johnny, "I set up a dip & chip stand and gave everbody who walked by a free sample.

    They all said the same thing.

    "Hey this tastes like sh*t!"

    Then i'd say, "It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 16
  • Natalie Rowan

    Actor

    Thanks guys!! Absolutely Hilarious. You have certainly cheered up my Wednesday night!

    They are all great! I am never going to be able to decide which one to do now!!

    I have to tell a Joke aswell as a monologue, improv and cold reading. I think it's just to see what your comic timing is like?!

    It's for a four week run of clowns,jokes and girls as Blokes at the Theatre Royal Nottingham.

    Is anyone else going for this!?

    • 28th Jun 2006
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  • Debra Baker

    Actor

    Have just thought of another silly one that makes me laugh

    'What did the slug say to the snail'

    'Big Issue?' (do it in the style of a newspaper seller)

    • 28th Jun 2006
    • 18
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    "Elephant & Castle"

    One place name

    Two broken promises.

    • 29th Jun 2006
    • 19