Anyone bored at work today?

  • User Deleted

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    I am and it's only 11 o Clock.

    Someone tell me a joke or something perlease.. quick, before i turn into a large bowl of mash potatoe...

    • 22nd Sep 2006
    • 1529
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  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?

    Chicken Spocks!

    ahahahaaa. ahem . ok i shall get my coat

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 1
  • User Deleted

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    Thats so rubbish I actually like it, can anyone top that?

    Thanks Rebecca!!!

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 2
  • Mike Henley

    Actor

    Oh go on then, you talked me into it:

    Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi, get out! We don't want your type in here."

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

    What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

    Anyone can roast beef.

    I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

    A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says

    "I'm not serving you two!"

    "Why?" asked the brain.

    The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to

    start something."

    Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash

    key...."

    What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?

    The cold shoulder.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

    He choked on his own Vimto.

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 3
  • User Deleted

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    2 men, having been marooned in the desert for days and slowly dying of thirst, notice a mirage ahead of them. On approaching the mirage, they see it is a set of stalls of all different colours and shapes. They go to the first stall, where the hawker cries, "Bananas! Custard! Strawberries!". "We'll have some of that" said the 2 men, and wolfed down the bananas, custard and strawberries. They went to the next one, where the hawker is crying "Apples! Jelly!". The men can't believe their luck, and greedily gobble up the lovely food. The next stall - "Sponge! Bananas! Custard!" etc., and this goes on and on until the men have completely had their fill.

    Walking away from the bizarre, one of them says, "Well, I really can't believe our luck to find such a place in the middle of the desert!"

    The other one says, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"

    As you can see, I am very, very bored.

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 4
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    I feel about the size of a very small mouse.

    I even managed to muck up a terrible joke and am going red, even though none of you CCPers can see me.

    I meant to say as they walk away from the oasis.

    Dear, dear me. Please accept my sincere apologies for being a complete and utter numpty. P*ss taking will be accepted at the LFD session.

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 5
  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    two snowmen in a field, one says to the other "can you smell carrots?"

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 6
  • User Deleted

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    2 cows in a field.

    One says "Moo"

    The other says "F*ck me, a talking cow!"

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 7
  • User Deleted

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    My word what an intersting selection. Like the jump lead one... As for you Nick I actually laughed more at the fact you messed the joke up than the joke itself. Yes indeed next friday the first thing I will be mentioning will be bananas custard and trifles...

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 8
  • User Deleted

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    Well, so long as I made you laugh. I just need to move on from making people laugh at me to with me, but I'm working on it.

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 9
  • Helen Belbin

    Actor

    Guy walks into a bar-

    "I'll have a double entendre please."

    So the barmaid gave him one...

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 10
  • Mike Henley

    Actor

    And then there's...

    A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and

    asks to see the manager.

    The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see

    you, she's £100 in arrears."

    Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.

    Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

    hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought he's trying to pull a

    fast one

    So I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits? . He said How flexible are you? . I said I can't make Tuesdays .

    But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack

    myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

    So I said Do you want a game of Darts? , he said OK then , I said

    Nearest to bull starts . He said Baa , I said Moo , he said You're

    closest .

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 11
  • Joseph Steyne

    Actor

    anyone who is bored should have a look at this...it was a job advertised on CCP and my mate is the red dude!

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=npOfih06JJM

    enjoy!!

    Jx

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 12
  • User Deleted

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    I only know rude jokes

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 13
  • User Deleted

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    Mike, you've really got me laughing and hellsbells they liked that in my office. I have to say everyone, you've made my day a heck of lot more interesting. Rude or not!

    A man walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for cod n chips twice - the bloke behind the counter says, it's ok, I heard you the first time...

    (See, this is why I asked for some help...!!!)

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 14
  • Cheska Hill-Wood

    Actor

    Great link Joseph, the video is brilliant, your mate is hilarious - it has brightened my day no end. Wicked tune too!

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 15
  • Mike Henley

    Actor

    Not forgetting...

    You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the

    night before and shoot the fox.

    The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I

    said Do you get my drift? .

    So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint,

    this vinegar's got lumps in it , he said Those are pickled onions .

    Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it

    will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

    So this bloke says to me, Can I come in your house and talk about

    cleaning your carpets? . I thought That's all I need, a Je-hoover's

    witness .

    So I rang up British Telecom, I said I want to report a nuisance caller

    , he said Not you again .

    So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check

    tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said You

    remind me of a pepper-pot , I said I'll take that as a condiment .

    And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's

    bisatchel.

    So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I

    thought That's a turtle disaster.

    What do you call a bear with no father?

    Rupert the Bastard

    And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

    I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

    (Before you ask, mostly Tim Vine)

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 16
  • Auday Putrus

    Actor

    ok here i go...

    there is a man who really like tractors his life is tractors, so one day he decides to go out and buy a tractor.

    he goes to this first farm and see's a nice tractor asks the owner how much and he says 10k!

    man says 10k? thats too much i will go somewhere else.

    so next farm he see's another tractor slightly nicer than the other one. again he asks the owner how much?

    15k says the owner

    man says 15k? blimey you must be joking i will look elsewhere

    so one more try he goes to a rich farm and see's a convertable tractor alloy wheels stereo the dogs bxxxcks.

    how much he asks the owner and owner says 30k

    man says 30k? this is ridiculous i have had enough of tractors hate them all.

    so he goes home rips off all his tractor pictures,wallpaper calenders everything.

    right i need to go for a walk he says.

    so as he is walking down the road he sees this pub on fire and a lady screaming for help!!

    he runs to the pub stands there and with all his power and energy sucks in so hard and then suddelny the fire is put out.

    the woman then said my god that was amazing how did you do that?

    the man replies......

    wait for it.....

    ready.....

    man says I USED TO BE AN EX TRACTOR FAN!!!!!

    ok ok i know it was bad

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 17
  • User Deleted

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    Audey, that is most definately the worst joke I've heard in ages.

    Well done, that took some effort. Drink for you on Friday!!!

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 18
  • Joseph Steyne

    Actor

    BIG HA!HA!

    nice one Auday!!

    I can leave work happy now!

    Jx

    • 21st Sep 2006
    • 19