Anyone bored at work today?

Or, if you prefer, some Steve Wright...

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

Hmmmm, I really should get out more...

• 17 years ago
• 21

Dunno if this works without actually hearing it ut ill give it a go



How do you know when a sharks happy?
(you have to do this out loud)

(jaws theme) de, de, de, de,


de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de....i love you baby and if its quite alright i need you baby

• 17 years ago
• 22

Zippy, I think you 'bungled' that...
Hee hee!

• 17 years ago
• 23

Yes!


Man walks into a fancy dress party, dressed head to toe in the greenest green lycra. The host greets him at the door:

'Mike! You look wonderful, what have you come as?'

He says 'A tortoise!'

She says 'Great! And what's that girl doing on your back?'

He says 'that's Michelle'.

• 17 years ago
• 24

OK, the only non rude joke I know, and I've possibly used it before, but here goes....

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Sorry!

• 17 years ago
• 25

Just logged on 20mins ago and thoroughly enjoyed this thread, ok here goes.

3 mothers with their daughters were waiting in the doctors insulting rooms when the nurse came in and said
"Mrs Jones the doctor will see you now"
She see the doctor he checks her all over and tells her..
"Mrs Jones you drink too much, you've even called your daughter Sherry!"
Next was Mrs Brown,
The doctor checked her all over and said
"Mrs Brown you smoke too much, you've even called your daughter Virginia!"
With that the last lady got out of her seat and said to her daughter,
"Come on Fanny we've not come here to be insulted!"

• 17 years ago
• 26

Paddy and Shaun go to Sunday mass, they just to say get halway down the church aisle when there's a terrible crash behind them. They turn around and see that one of the elderly choir ladies had fallen from the balcony, her saving grace was that her knicker elastic had caught on the crucifix adn there she was calling for help swinging from the cross by her drawers,
Shaun turned to Paddy and said
"Sure now, isn't that Fanny Green?"
Paddy think a mo and replies,
"No, I think the light through the Stained glassed windows just makes it look that colour!"

Mrs Jones takes her little boy to the doctors with a cauliflower in his right ear an onion in his left ear adn a carrot up each nostril, the doctor tells her "he's not eating properly"

Here's something I got, it';s not everyones taste but it's a ditty to share with your friends via mobile should the mood take you!
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel it's true warmth, thankyou for being the piss in my pants!

Can't think of anymore, maybe later

Kenny

• 17 years ago
• 27

ahahaa. Helen your one made me laugh out loud as did Mike's skp one .hehe......... I shall steal them and use themas my own mwahaha!

ooh may I suggest looking through the old threads. there was a fabulous one of a similar ilk not to long back and there were some corkers on there :)

• 17 years ago
• 28

what do you do if you see a space man?

park in it man.

what do you do if you see a post man?

move out the way man..

what do you do if you see a fire man?

put it out man...

• 17 years ago
• 29

Nice one Auday, totally cool man!
Another doctor joke....

Mrs smith takes little Johnny to the doctors
"what seems to be the problem?" he says.
"Well doctor, it's Johnny's little winkle, it's not very big, I wonder if there's anything you could suggest?"
"What does he have for breakfast?"
Taken aback Mrs Smith says "Ooh! Well he like his sugar puffs and frosties!"
"Well that's the problem Mrs Smith" he replied "What little Jonny needs is toast, toast and more toast!"
"Toast? And that will do the trick?" She asks.
"Absolutely, give him plenty of taost at the start of each day and his little winkle will shoot straight up!"
The very next morning Johnny came down for breakfast and there on the table was an enormous pile of freshly cooked toast
"Is that all for me" He asked him mom excitedly,
"The top slice is, the rest is for your father!"

Will try to think of more

• 17 years ago
• 30

Just wanted to say a large pile of well done to all of you for making my day pass a lot quicker. You really made me chuckle and today is Friday so don't feel so bad!!
Have yourselves a lovely day.
x

• 17 years ago
• 31

And only 2 weeks and 2 days before I go up the nile for a 7 day cruise - can't wait. Haven't had a proper holiday for ages.

• 17 years ago
• 32

Ah, what I wouldn't do for a holiday! I bet you can't wait!

It does feel better being a Friday, I have to say.

• 17 years ago
• 33

God Mike I hope you cut and pasted all those jokes,other wise you REALLY aren't gettig any work done! ;)

• 17 years ago
• 34

Holidays? What are those then?

• 17 years ago
• 35

Well, I read about them and thought - hey why not? Sounds like fun :-))

• 17 years ago
• 36

Crossing threads here, but for your fun and to see how free films can be made without the abuse of actors watch these links, very cleverly done and the first one is an excellent example, it's a musical piece made from video clips from World Of Warcraft, an internet game the others are spoof trailers or parodies made from other clips. Enjoy and have fun….

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=5430343841227974645

http://www.devilducky.com/media/44438/

http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/pink5

Happy viewing

Kenny

• 17 years ago
• 37

This one's been doing the rounds and may amuse:


Invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his
future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living.

Though a bit vague on the details of his plan, he appeared enthusiastic about his ideas for helping his "red brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -- 'Walking Eagle'.

As the President departed waving to the crowd in his motorcade, a news reporter asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name
given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird that's so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.

• 17 years ago
• 38