I need your help. In our small town, I have been roped into taking part in a small variety show. I am playing an old lady sitting on the beach in a deckchair and I've got to have a moan about the hotel etc etc. Has anyone out there got any good jokes I could put into my little sketch. It does not matter what they are about as I can adapt them to fit in with what I am doing.
A man checks into a hotel and the landlady asks "What would you like for breakfast?" and the man says "Just beans please. A nice big tin of beans. Actually, make it two big tins of beans. I love beans!"
So the man has his beans for breakfast and afterwards goes for a nice walk along the pier.
A few hours later the landlady gets a visit from the police. They ask "Have you got a Mr. Hutchinson staying here?"
"Yes, I have" the landlady answers. "Oh dear, he's not in any trouble is he?"
"No," the policeman answers. "I'm afraid we've just pulled his body out of the sea. It appears he jumped off the end of the pier."
The landlady is aghast. "You mean he took his own life?"
"It would seem so madam yes."
"I don't understand it." the landlady says. "When he left here this morning he was full of beans!"
I was disgusted to learn that the BBC in its enormous 'wisdom' have now shelved plans to reintroduce Bill and Ben. They say it causes kids speech difficulties.
Well I watched all of the episodes when I was a kid and it never caused me any probadobaloms!
Bit of a risque one this, made me laugh when i heard it about a week ago...
Man walks into the doctors office, walks straight up to him and punches him.. the doctor says what was that for.. the man replies, because yoiu told my wife she had a pretty fanny..... no i did not said the doctor.. i said she had acute angina. ( A Cute Angina) bu boom chish lol
have you heard about the fight at the fish and chip last night? apparently a couple of fish got battered.
an english man, a scots man and an irish man where running from the police when they run it to a alley with a dead end there is nothing there except for three empty barrells they climb in to them to hide. the police men come 'damn' said the first police man 'we have lost em' 'what about the barrells?' said the 2nd police man 'lets check em' said the 3rd, so he kicks the 1st barrell 'woof' says the english man, 'just a dog' said the 1st police man, he kicks the second one 'miawo' said the scots man, he then kicks the third one 'potates' said the irish man.
horse walks in to a bar, the barman says 'hey whats with the long face'
a man walked in to a bar 'ouf' it was an iron bar
infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me (shakespeare inspired- skit on julius ceaser)
A nudist and a philosopher are sitting on the beach. The philosopher says have you read Marx? The nudist says, 'no it's just the wicker chair!) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha not.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
Apologies, am going back to the hole I crawled out of!
x
'i had a crash in my car yesterday. I got out and realised id crashed into a dwarfs car. He looked very stern and said, "im not happy". I said oh which one are you then?'
I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye,
then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then
she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
I was out the other day looking for a diy store, I stopped this fella and said; "'scuse me mate, is there a B&Q in Wigan?". He looked at me, then said "No!"......"No B and Q.....just W I G A and N!"
You must login as a candidate to participate in the forum.
Please note:Messages written in the forum do not represent the views of The Mandy Network, nor have they been vetted by The Mandy Network staff.
If you read something which you believe to be offensive or defamatory, please contact us and we will take the appropriate action.
