HELP - Has anyone got any good jokes

  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    Hi everyone,

    I need your help. In our small town, I have been roped into taking part in a small variety show. I am playing an old lady sitting on the beach in a deckchair and I've got to have a moan about the hotel etc etc. Has anyone out there got any good jokes I could put into my little sketch. It does not matter what they are about as I can adapt them to fit in with what I am doing.

    Many thanks in advance.

    Love Alexandra. xxx

    • 1st Jul 2007
    • 1705
    • 29
  • Alan Wales

    Actor

    A man checks into a hotel and the landlady asks "What would you like for breakfast?" and the man says "Just beans please. A nice big tin of beans. Actually, make it two big tins of beans. I love beans!"

    So the man has his beans for breakfast and afterwards goes for a nice walk along the pier.

    A few hours later the landlady gets a visit from the police. They ask "Have you got a Mr. Hutchinson staying here?"

    "Yes, I have" the landlady answers. "Oh dear, he's not in any trouble is he?"

    "No," the policeman answers. "I'm afraid we've just pulled his body out of the sea. It appears he jumped off the end of the pier."

    The landlady is aghast. "You mean he took his own life?"

    "It would seem so madam yes."

    "I don't understand it." the landlady says. "When he left here this morning he was full of beans!"

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 1
  • Alan Brent

    Actor

    I was disgusted to learn that the BBC in its enormous 'wisdom' have now shelved plans to reintroduce Bill and Ben. They say it causes kids speech difficulties.

    Well I watched all of the episodes when I was a kid and it never caused me any probadobaloms!

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 2
  • Lucy Perkins

    Actor

    There was a jokes thread on here a while ago, have a search and check it out!

    Lx

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 3
  • Forbes KB

    Actor

    I don't laugh out loud often, but "Probadoboloms" hit the spot. Thanks Alan...you made my day!!

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 4
  • Blake J Askew

    Actor

    Little JOhnny walks in and asks his dad where the pyramids are.

    DAD: I dont know son, ask your mum, she tidied up!!!!

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 5
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    Thanks guys for help and advice so far. Keep them coming. Love the one about man eating beans.

    Thanks

    Alexandra.

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 6
  • Alan Brent

    Actor

    It's the only 'clean joke' I've got, Forbes!

    • 19th Jun 2007
    • 7
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    Bit of a risque one this, made me laugh when i heard it about a week ago...

    Man walks into the doctors office, walks straight up to him and punches him.. the doctor says what was that for.. the man replies, because yoiu told my wife she had a pretty fanny..... no i did not said the doctor.. i said she had acute angina. ( A Cute Angina) bu boom chish lol

    Drew

    • 23rd Jun 2007
    • 8
  • Alan Brent

    Actor

    Man walks into the doctor's with a frog on his nose.

    Doc's says 'Where d'you get that?'

    'Frog says 'It started as a pimple on my arse'

    • 24th Jun 2007
    • 9
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    Hello,

    Iv'e got a few short sweet ones!

    I went to a seafood disco last night-and pulled a muscle.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't see any!

    2 Antennae got married. The wedding was a bit dreary, but the reception was amazing!

    Someone actually complemented me on my driving today-I went out to my car and it had a slip on it saying 'Parking Fine'.

    Ha Ha!

    • 25th Jun 2007
    • 10
  • Leila Reid

    Actor

    have you heard about the fight at the fish and chip last night? apparently a couple of fish got battered.

    an english man, a scots man and an irish man where running from the police when they run it to a alley with a dead end there is nothing there except for three empty barrells they climb in to them to hide. the police men come 'damn' said the first police man 'we have lost em' 'what about the barrells?' said the 2nd police man 'lets check em' said the 3rd, so he kicks the 1st barrell 'woof' says the english man, 'just a dog' said the 1st police man, he kicks the second one 'miawo' said the scots man, he then kicks the third one 'potates' said the irish man.

    horse walks in to a bar, the barman says 'hey whats with the long face'

    a man walked in to a bar 'ouf' it was an iron bar

    infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me (shakespeare inspired- skit on julius ceaser)

    hope that helps!

    leila

    • 25th Jun 2007
    • 11
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    Hi Leila,

    Thanks for those, there is a couple I could adapt and use there. Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me.

    Much appreciated.

    Love Alex.xxx

    • 26th Jun 2007
    • 12
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    HAD to add this...

    Bit risky but a good un'

    Man goes to the nurse for his medical check up and the nurse says to him, 'You know, you're really going to have to stop masterbating Mr Smith'

    The man replies 'Oh'

    'Yes says the nurse, I'm trying to examine you!!'

    • 26th Jun 2007
    • 13
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

    "Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

    "Not yet," she replied.

    Li xx

    • 26th Jun 2007
    • 14
  • Cheska Hill-Wood

    Actor

    Silly ones:

    What is brown and sticky? A Stick (sorry!)

    A nudist and a philosopher are sitting on the beach. The philosopher says have you read Marx? The nudist says, 'no it's just the wicker chair!) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha not.

    Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

    Apologies, am going back to the hole I crawled out of!

    x

    • 26th Jun 2007
    • 15
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    'i had a crash in my car yesterday. I got out and realised id crashed into a dwarfs car. He looked very stern and said, "im not happy". I said oh which one are you then?'

    badabum x

    • 26th Jun 2007
    • 16
  • Fiona Cuskelly

    Actor

    I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a

    shower.

    I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,

    "Where is the rake?"

    She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye,

    then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

    Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

    I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

    My wife replied that she understands and signals back.

    She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then

    she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

    Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

    Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?

    She replies, (scroll down, it's worth it)

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>> >>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>

    >>>>>>>"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"--

    • 27th Jun 2007
    • 17
  • Alan Wales

    Actor

    My doctor says I've got to give up my two worse habits: smoking and masturbation. The things is, I'm a 40-a-day-man. Plus I smoke like a chimney.

    • 27th Jun 2007
    • 18
  • Keith De'Winter

    Actor

    I was out the other day looking for a diy store, I stopped this fella and said; "'scuse me mate, is there a B&Q in Wigan?". He looked at me, then said "No!"......"No B and Q.....just W I G A and N!"

    Shameful, I know!

    • 27th Jun 2007
    • 19