HELP - Has anyone got any good jokes

Airline cabin announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

• 16 years ago
• 21

man goes to a doctors with a steering wheel on his crotch..


Doctor: whats this then?

patient: I don't know but its driving me nuts!

• 16 years ago
• 22

man goes to the doctors wearing nothing but a pair of cling film underpants.
Patient: doctor, doctor I don;t know whats wrong with me!

Doctor: Well I can clearly see your nuts!

badabum!

there seems to be a pattern with my jokes..

• 16 years ago
• 23

I LOVE all of Fifi's flight jokes! Where did you get them from?
Reminds me of the captain who was actually fired after he joked over the intercom to the passengers 'Ladies and Gentlemen we have just coasted in over Liverpool. Please check your belongings. Purses, wallets and hand baggage.'

• 16 years ago
• 24

I made them up myself Alan. Ok, No that's a lie (new year's resolution, remember Fiona!).
They just came on the usual email rounds, some of them are very good! And I know it's of no benefit to my acting career but I'm enjoying this thread more than some of the heavy serious ones. Sometimes we just need a good laugh!

• 16 years ago
• 25

Actress and a bishop walk into a bar and the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

• 16 years ago
• 26

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much to all of you that have taken the time to share your jokes with me. There are some really good ones here. I have managed to take a few of them and adapt them to my small sketch. They went down a treat at rehearsals the other night.

Thanks once again.

Lots of love

Alex. xxxxxx

• 16 years ago
• 27

EXCITED ABOUT MARRIAGE

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob
suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married.

Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills,
Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'


THE DOCTOR

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor.

"Madam, stick out your tongue."


THE BLONDE

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman,

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

she went for a complete disguise this time:

a brown curly wig,
big baggy clothes,
and big sunglasses.

Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said,

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.


WHATS IN A NAME?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."

The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion,

"Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A Carnation?"

"No. No. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells,

"Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


HIND LICK MANOEUVRE

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said

"That little gal is havin' a bad time.

I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked

"Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping she shook her head "No".

He asked "Kin ya breathe?"

Still gasping she again shook her head "No".

With that he yanked up her skirt,

pulled down her underwear and licked her...derrier.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck

and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said

"Ya' know it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

• 16 years ago
• 28

A guy was just starting to tell a blonde joke to his pals in a bar when a big tall blonde lady patted him on the shoulder. Indignantly she said' If you're thinking of telling a blonde joke I ought to warn you that I am the All England Karate Champion, my blonde friend here is a lady wrestler and she holds five world titles and my OTHER blonde friend is a policewoman who can deliver a knockout blow or CS spray you with impunity!'
The guy says 'There's absolutlely no way I would tell this joke to you three!' She says 'I thought not!'
'No. I wouldn't. It would mean I'd have to spend half an hour after explaining it to you all!'

• 16 years ago
• 29