I need cheering up!

  • Leila Reid

    Actor

    Ok, so I came back to uni today and there is a letter waiting for me from the National Youth Theatre which I audition for back in Feb and I didn't get in even though the audition went really well and the auditioner said it was a good audition so can some one please tell me a funny story or a joke or something to cheer me up!

    • 23rd Apr 2008
    • 1876
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  • Blake J Askew

    Actor

    A man walks into a bar.

    Ouch!!! It was an iron bar!!!!

    Doctor, doctor- I think I am suicidal-

    Okay, from now on you pay me in advance.

    How many mezzo-sopranos does it take change a light bulb?

    Only one, to climb on a chair and reach for teh light bulb and eveyone else to say "Its too high for her".

    What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

    An interpreter.

    Cheered up? Or have I made you worse???????

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 1
  • Alan Brent

    Actor

    Two polar bears walk in to a bar. The horse behind the bar says 'Wow, we don't get many of your kind in here.'

    One polar bear says 'Hey look. A tlaking horse!'

    I think that's how it goes....

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 2
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    Heres one i found on the net for you to cheers up. Hope you like it

    Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

    "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy

    "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 3
  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    man walks in to a bar... ouch!

    man walks in to a lamp post... how the hell did i get in here?

    I need cheering up too!! just lost my job.. anyone got any going spare?

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 4
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    My ninety year old Grandfather died in his sleep....unlike his passengers who died screaming.

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 5
  • Peter Halpin

    Actor

    Why do people become bakers?

    - Because they knead the dough.

    I have kleptomania. But it's ok, I'm taking things for it.

    What's the difference between zombies?

    - Zombies make honey and zombies don't

    A man walked into a fortune teller's tent. When the fortune teller saw him, she started laughing, so he hit her. Why? He was striking a happy medium.

    And I'll leave on an acting related one...!

    Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with bit parts.

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 6
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    Righty Leilei...this lot should do the trick.

    Hey...who's doing that Ministry Of Fun job on Southbank Wednesday lunchtime?

    Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!

    A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'

    A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.

    Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

    Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Depends on what it says in the script

    Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?

    Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: What's the light bulb's motivation?

    Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Both of them.

    Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?

    A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.

    Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?

    A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.

    Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?

    A: Pay him for the pizza.

    Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?

    A: An actor with a power tool.

    Q: What do directors do with dead actors?

    A: Make them chorus members.

    Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?

    A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.

    Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?

    A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."

    Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?

    A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.

    Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?

    A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?

    A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

    Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?

    A: Your director--business before pleasure.

    Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?

    A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.

    Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?

    A: A good start.

    Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?

    A: Pregnant

    How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 7
  • Rebecca Probyn

    Actor

    ahh you missed one..

    how many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

    100... 1 to change it and 99 to say they could have done it better :)

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 8
  • Matt Johnston

    Actor

    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    red.

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 9
  • Ceri Mears

    Actor

    Why don't actors spend all morning staring mournfully out of the window?

    Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoons.

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 10
  • Monty Burgess

    Actor

    Those were too classic Nigel!

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 11
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    Classical theatre humour

    Towns Person: Physician, Physician, Me thinks I am a pair of curtains.

    Physician: Then Fie upon you for being a roguish knave.

    Remeber, this may no be thought funny now......

    ......and it wasn't back then!

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 12
  • Monty Burgess

    Actor

    This could be pure conjecture...

    John Gielgud and Irene Worth.

    During rehearsals for Peter Brooks's Oedipus at the Old Vic, Irene Worth, playing Jocasta, is supposed to commit suicide by impaling herself on a large spike. She rushes on to stage to perform said act, only to be confronted by a rather small stand-in spike on the stage. She stop shorts, looking puzzled. The director calls out "What's wrong?". Irene says "Well I was expecting something a bit bigger, perhaps on a plinth." Gielgud, standing in the wings, yells out "Plinth Charles or plinth Phillip?:

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 13
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    How many mezzo-sopranos does it take change a light bulb?

    Only one, to climb on a chair and reach for the light bulb and eveyone else to say "Its too high for her".

    That is just the funniest! They all think I have gone even more crazy here at my temp job than I usually am!!

    Thank you for saving me from my current boredom!

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 14
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    What's the difference between a New York Actor and an L.A. Actor?

    The L.A. Actor can hold Six Plates While the New York Actor can only manage Four.

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 15
  • Tammy Heath nee Wakefield

    Actor

    Bad luck chick you are destined for better things well if that hasn't done it....

    A minister stands there and asks his congregation how many of them had forgiven there enemies half raised there hands so he asked again everyone then raised there hands except Ethel Jones a sweet 98 year old lady.. the minister asks.. why Ethel have you not forgiven your enemies? she answers she has none and smiles..the minister asks ethel to join him and tell the congregation how it is that she has managed to live her life not making enemies to which she replies

    I out lived the b_tches !!!!!!

    • 21st Apr 2008
    • 16
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    Delia's Way V s The Real Woman's Way

    Delia's Way

    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    The Real Woman's Way

    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

    Delia's Way

    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    The Real Woman's Way

    Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

    Delia's Way

    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    The Real Woman's Way

    Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

    Delia's Way

    If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

    The Real Woman's Way

    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

    Delia's Way

    Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    The Real Woman's Way

    It could keep forever. Who eats it?

    Delia's Way

    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    The Real Woman'sW ay

    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont care?

    Delia's Way

    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    The Real Woman's Way

    Why do I have a man?

    Finally the most important tip

    Delia's Way

    Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

    The Real Woman's Way

    Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!

    • 22nd Apr 2008
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    Teacher says to her class of ten year old Irish Children "Can anyone tell me the name of an English monarch?".

    One child stands up and says " Dick the shit Miss" The teacher looks puzzled.

    His friend then stands up and says "No Miss, he means Richard the Turd"

    • 22nd Apr 2008
    • 18
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    www.billychasen.com/clock/

    • 22nd Apr 2008
    • 19