Ok, so I came back to uni today and there is a letter waiting for me from the National Youth Theatre which I audition for back in Feb and I didn't get in even though the audition went really well and the auditioner said it was a good audition so can some one please tell me a funny story or a joke or something to cheer me up!
Two polar bears walk in to a bar. The horse behind the bar says 'Wow, we don't get many of your kind in here.'
One polar bear says 'Hey look. A tlaking horse!'
Heres one i found on the net for you to cheers up. Hope you like it
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
Righty Leilei...this lot should do the trick.
Hey...who's doing that Ministry Of Fun job on Southbank Wednesday lunchtime?
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'
A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on what it says in the script
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's the light bulb's motivation?
Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.
Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?
A: An actor with a power tool.
Q: What do directors do with dead actors?
A: Make them chorus members.
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.
Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."
Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.
Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.
Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?
A: Your director--business before pleasure.
Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?
A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.
Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.
During rehearsals for Peter Brooks's Oedipus at the Old Vic, Irene Worth, playing Jocasta, is supposed to commit suicide by impaling herself on a large spike. She rushes on to stage to perform said act, only to be confronted by a rather small stand-in spike on the stage. She stop shorts, looking puzzled. The director calls out "What's wrong?". Irene says "Well I was expecting something a bit bigger, perhaps on a plinth." Gielgud, standing in the wings, yells out "Plinth Charles or plinth Phillip?:
Bad luck chick you are destined for better things well if that hasn't done it....
A minister stands there and asks his congregation how many of them had forgiven there enemies half raised there hands so he asked again everyone then raised there hands except Ethel Jones a sweet 98 year old lady.. the minister asks.. why Ethel have you not forgiven your enemies? she answers she has none and smiles..the minister asks ethel to join him and tell the congregation how it is that she has managed to live her life not making enemies to which she replies
Teacher says to her class of ten year old Irish Children "Can anyone tell me the name of an English monarch?".
One child stands up and says " Dick the shit Miss" The teacher looks puzzled.
His friend then stands up and says "No Miss, he means Richard the Turd"
Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman'sW ay
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont care?
Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?
Finally the most important tip
Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one badass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says:
"Grandpa, go home, you're drunk."
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