A new drama school the “Bailey/Kempner conservatoire” or simply BKC drama school will be opening next year.
A note from the directors: Mark Kempner and Vanessa Bailey.
Our dearest loves. Our ethos at BKC is to take yearly fees, but please please please …..do not think of three years at BKC as 76K (which must be paid up front in full and in cash) …..think of it as your investment into your journey, as we quite literally lead you up the path through the business we call SHOW!
During your time here, we will teach you how to work for just expenses in fact, we teach you the art of working for thin air….something which is seen as an important skill to have by more and more employers these days.
We will have workshops led by many leading casting directors, who will of course be charging each of you a nominal fee (on top of the school fees) …again something which you will have to deal with as you step out into the sunshine at the end of your time at our conservatoire. These vital sessions include many important industry facts like "how to fill in a casting form with your name and address"
Our very popular sessions, “preparing the soul for emptiness” is a method workshop which we include at the end of the final year. These sessions prepare mind, body and soul, and prepare you for being worthless within your life as a professional actor. Vanessa runs these wearing black T shirt, black leggings, pointless thick black socks over the leggings, black character shoes… …..and her hair done up in a bun with black hair tie….please please ….do not all turn up wearing the same as her….be individual!
TV and FILM workshops: I was showing a family around with their daughter Tabatha the other day, and the father asked me if we did classes on TV and Film technique. I was really quite shocked by his forwardness and rude approach to be honest….and simply asked them to leave….although they still had to pay their “induction and taster session fee” of course.
We make this completely clear at BKC……you can get all the TV and Film experience by leaving us unsoiled in the art of camera angles…..and whatever else one has to do for film things. Go and do student films for goodness sake! Naturally …..we prepare you for these film roles by running sessions on “how to survive on a grain of rice for a week” and we also show you how to raise funds to eat during your time at BKC.
Mark will prepare you on the art of creating a showreel made up of student film projects which he calls: “The silence and the darkness” he will show you show to make 10 second appearances in the background of a Quick Fit advert, look like a leading role in an epic. We also run taster workshops on Montages and how to eek them out to 90 seconds, showing you pointlessly smiling, laughing, and walking ...in slow motion.
We do have photo preparation classes: These are run by staff from "crappysnaps" and show you how and why having a new 10x8 photo, taken by your mate's dad, every 12 years, is important.
Assessing my age….. This is vital as a professional actor…..one should know your exact age and we show you the important skills on how to look this up on a birth certificate and or passport. We also advise on “playing ages “usually with a 20 or so year gap either side of your exact age. Please do not increase the gap as some actors are known to do this….we think anymore than 20 years either side of your real age is simply exaggeration and desperate!
For further information and a brochure please write and or give us your application comments and or questions on this thread for what is clearly going to be the actors biggest and most important step on their journey to stardom here at the Bailey/Kempner conservatoire.
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BKC…preparing Britain's actors for creative starvation.
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Could you please include some seminars regarding Fringe Theatre Dressing Room skills such as how to share your cubicle with members of the public, lavatory paper exchange and applying character make-up in mood lighting in front of a cracked mirror.
Another essential compononent ought to be surivival trekking skills to find obscure casting venues in South/East London nowhere near a tube station and down a dubious alley.
By the way, if you are not yet suited with all your tutors I can offer sessions on "Advanced Waiting For The Phone To Ring" linked to my pamphlet about linguistic interpretation whcih covers phrases as "We'll let you know by Friday", "A definite pencil" and "Your call is important to us ...." - sorry, last one, wrong profession.
Please, please, please let me on your course. I know I'm a crappy actor and have always worked for payment previously but, honestly, I would cherish the opportunity to learn how to work for no pay/expenses only. I would feel very comfortable under the guidance of Kempner/Bailey and feel my £76K, at the moment just sitting in the bank earning eons of interest, would be better used teaching me lifelong skills at your Drama school. I reiterate, please, please, (grovel, grovel, lick boots etc!)find a little place for me on your course.
Yours, ever hopeful,
TD
Are you thinking of doing postgrad (or even evening) courses in the future? Your school sounds really wonderful and I'd love to take part but 3 years is a long time and I don't think I have the attention span to complete so long a course.
Do you do X-factor / Britains Got no Talent workshops?? I hope so as I personally believe ritual humiliation workshops really help performers develop - especially if they have no talent to start win but plenty of ego...... We've all been waiting for a school like this........ just a tad concerned your fees are a little low for what you offer.... so you may well be charlatans out to make a fast buck..... but what does everyone else fink???
That comment has reminded me- I just have one question; if I have a sob story and a jumped up sense of entitlement do I graduate without having to attend any classes?
It has always been my dream to act. Being an actress is all I ever think about. I have to be an actress. I was destined for stardom. However, I went to an acting coach once and she gave me a speech to learn off by heart. It was very long. I explained that I wanted to be a proper actress like in East Enders and not do poncy theatre stuff so I didn't need to learn this sort of stuff but she said that even on Hollyoaks the actors had to say what was written down and that autocues weren't allowed in tv and film drama. I think she was a con artist cos she then stopped returning my calls. What I want to know is whether at your school I will have to learn lines?
It's all about having very specific skills in this business that will make you stand out. I'm sure you agree. I am therefore assuming there will be classes in all of the following: disco dancing, sword swallowing, pottery, hgv driving, birdspotting, clay pidgeon shooting and spoon bending? I couldn't part with my monies until I was sure of this. Can you confirm please. I've had my internet banking page up all day...and now it has logged me out... and still you haven't got back to me?? I hope you will not continue with this slapdash correspondance when I have parted with my 76K. I'm not a mug you know.
Hmmm….hello loves and dears…..Vanessa and I are not convinced by some of your responses. Are we all reading off the same page my darlings?
BTW: I look rather jaunty this morning: I am clad in my blue fishemans smock….red cravat…..multi coloured baggy trousers and sandles…..and well….I think it shows I look the part!
Vanessa will be adding some further class info and course information in due course….I will add it in on her behalf when she sends it…..her classes really are very very exciting.
VICTORIA: Yes my darling please sendme all your money….but it might be better if you came to the school with cash please….then I can letch over you….breath my bad breath over you and bore you with stories of when I was in The tempest with one line….at the Nash with dear Johnny Guilgood!
BETH: Yes dear…..as above….bring a sack of money….but do be careful.
CARRIE: Of course dear heart…..we do run information classes on working within the fringe: The classes are called …."Its not the audience or wages you should be thinking about" The classes are run in our old dissused, leaking cellers …..and are always on a one to one basis……no audience…..and freezing cold….just to give you the full ambience as you tread your loving journeys into the real world.
TAMSIN: On the basis of your clear passion…..and that you have 76k……we will make an exception and you will not have to audition……we will simply take your money and you can start when you like lovely.
TONI: We do run post grad courses….but to be honest there have been very few takers …epsecially from our former drama students….we need to look into this
JACK: Ok no problem dear love….tell your daughter not to worry….its not the tallent what counts….its our accountant! As long as you have the funds…..do not panic dear boy.
GUY: Well quite frankly I am shocked and to be honest… a little Hurt too….I had to have a lie down …with one of my students after I read your post. Vanessa has been so upset by your vile assumptions that she almost lost the pen always found hanging around her neck. If you think this drama school is all about just taking cash off students….then please do not comment any further….unless you change your mind and feel like paying to see one of our classes.
GLENN: Yes it's a thought….but Vanessa and I don't want to appear silly in anyway.
If potential students have further questions please feel free to write….apart from Guy Press….who is clearly rather too cynical. How very dare he!!
Our love, and respect to all ….
OH and BTW Mr Press: One of our former students has just benefited from our specialist classes : "Driving an old bent rusty van for 1000 miles without a break!" and consequently is starting his first TIE tour of the Himalayas next week….so there…..and he is getting paid £35 per week…so there….... admittedly he does have to pay for his own food and fuel. However I know Oliver sees this as a terrific break for him….and one he would not have had it not been for his time at our BK Conservatoire
PS Mr K - Olivers progress in TIE has been breathtaking to watch!! As the eminent Legz Akimbo TIE company testify he can literally puts himself in a child. Your rates should go higher!!
I'm afraid there's some vital aspects of standard training missing from your course:
* Pencils: how to know whether it's a HB, a 4H or a 4B - or if it's done with an automatic pencil when the lead is liable to break at any point.
* Agents: the more you pay them up front the more work they'll get you and whether 25% on top of upfront fees is too little to guarantee a quality agent
* Extra work: how important it is both for your CV, showreel and self-esteem to do as much extra-work as possible.
* ADOS's: the experience and learning graduates will benefit from, by joining their local Am Dram & Opera Soc.
Until I can see these added to your curriculum I think I may go for BADASS (Bad Acting & Dramatics Academy for Serious Schmucks) at least I know from their £200 audition fees (£400 if you get a recall & £800 if you're recalled to their final weekend selector auditions) that they have the integrity & temerity to justify calling themselves a badass school!
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