Comedy monologues!?

  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    I have been searching high and low for a good comedy monologue for auditions.

    But to no avail!

    Does anyone have any good suggestions!?

    THANK YOU!x

    • 12th Jul 2009
    • 4953
    • 4
  • Norman Gilligan

    Actor

    Albert and the Lion - not strictly a monologue and distinctly northern but great fun.

    • 11th Jul 2009
    • 1
  • Mark Kempner

    Actor

    Sorry, I dissagree! I'd advise against Albert and the Lion ...classic though it is.... unless you can think of a unique and contemporary edge or slant to add to it. ie: Albert distracted on his mobile etc?!!

    Have you never thought of writing your own....it works I promise. Just write anything and yes, you will start with a quite a few crumpled balls of paper and 10 packs of shredded attempts but something will click and you will be away. It will suit "YOU" down to the ground because you wrote it.

    Write something about 2-3 characters you and two others, who are totally different to you, and bring them all to life in a short 2 min piece or longer if it's for a performance. Just tell an amusing story if need be...and make it completely your own with a beginning middle and end. This will give you an excellent platform to show your acting skills as well as being entertaining.

    If you can tell your friends something and it makes them laugh.....you can do the same to people you don't know!

    • 12th Jul 2009
    • 2
  • User Deleted

    This profile has been archived

    Here are a couple

    CONTEXT: Brenda Brooks is a snooty librarian who believes that fantasy novels are a complete waste of time. In this scene, she tells a young visitor how she plans to re-organize the library.

    BRENDA:

    Young man, I am very busy. Would you

    please take your gawking eyes and your

    bubble-gum belabored jaws elsewhere? When

    you return next week, you'll find some

    significant changes have been made.

    As the new librarian, I have been placed

    in charge of reorganization and redistribution.

    And in the process I am removing a few

    unnecessary novels. Too much fantasy and

    folly can spoil a child's mind. This library

    needs more science and less Dr. Seuss.

    More history and less Hogwarts. Children

    need academics and not adventures. One

    doesn't get into a university by studying

    unicorns. Take this one for example.

    "Treasure Island!" It's a loathsome tale

    of filthy dirty pirates. Certainly not

    a book for respectable students. And

    what about this one? "James and the

    Giant Peach"? Preposterous. Even with

    modern agricultural techniques, fruit

    simply cannot grow to that extreme size.

    Silly, silly stuff. Guaranteed to

    warp young minds. Now shoo!

    ........................................

    An outgoing woman named Roxy delivers this comedic female monologue. Her boyfriend is a roller coaster fanatic, and also a bit immature. Therefore, she has decided to break up with him, right in the middle of their roller-coaster ride! Although the character sits most of the time, the actress should feel free to add a lot of movement and facial expressions to simulate the ride.

    Roxy:

    (Getting into her roller coaster seat.)

    (She's talking to her boyfriend.)

    You and your obsession with roller coasters.

    What's the name of this one? Oh, "The

    Terminatrix." How nice. Look, Derek, I--

    How do I buckle this thing? I got it.

    Derek, I think I've got enough adrenaline and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally

    tell you what's in my heart right now.

    This might not be the best conversation

    to have on the roller coaster, but if whatI am about to say breaks your heart, you can just claim that whatever tears might be in your eyes are due to wind resistance.

    (Leans back - the roller coaster begins going up.)

    Oh - here we go! So, what I'm trying to say…

    what am I trying to say? Well, we've had a good year. Almost a year.

    (She leans forward and bounces up and down just a bit to show the bumpy beginning of the roller coaster.)

    Ten months and 22 days. Things

    started out bumpy. Sort of like this ride.

    And I thought we were headed in the same direction.

    (Leans back again.)

    But now it feels like we've been travelling on two different tracks. What? Put my hands in the air?

    Okay. (Raises hands in the air.)

    But really, Derek, where are we headed?

    I feel like I'm ready to take the plunge off of the Marriage Mountain Splash Ride. And I'm not afraid to get soaked with commitment.

    You'd rather spend your time on the bumper cars.

    Sure, it's fun to bump around, but it gets pretty meaningless after a while. So, that's why I think - oh my gosh, this is high up! Is it supposed to be this high? It's safe, right?

    Anyway, that's why I've decided - Here goes!

    (The roller coaster drop begins!)

    I'm BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!! AAAAAH!

    I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!

    AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!

    Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

    (She leans to the left.)

    So, what do you think?

    (She leans to the right.)

    What are you doing? What is this?

    (She accepts something from him.)

    A ring? You want to marry me? Here comes

    another one! Whoa, whoa, aaaaaaah!

    You're crazy, Derek! But - Yes!

    I'LL MARRY YOU!!!!

    (She lurches to a sudden stop. Catches her breath.)

    Let's do it again!

    • 12th Jul 2009
    • 3
  • Norman Gilligan

    Actor

    Forget my suggestion .. go with Roxy .. I'll come see you do it.

    Brgds.

    N.

    • 12th Jul 2009
    • 4