ANY GOOD JOKES?!!?!
HELLO
DOES ANYONE KNOW ANY GOOD JOKES THAT I COULD TELL AT AN AUDITION? IT CAN BE ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING?! CLEAN OR DIRTY?!
ALSO ANY TIPS ON COMIC TIMING WOULD BE FAB..........
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO AN AUDITION LIKE THAT BEFORE? PLEASE HELP!
THANX GUYS X
Editorial Comment Not too dirty please people!
Hannah
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what's brown and sticky?
a stick
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how do you know there is an elephant in your bed?
He has an E on his PJ's
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What would Edward Woodward be called if he had no D's in his name?
Ewar WooWar
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How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
15. 1 to change it and 14 to write a paper called 'coping with darkness'
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Sorry these are pants, I know some corking dirty ones but am so tired after my evening with James Blunt that I can't see straight and I'm only on my 3rd coffee...give me time...
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You definitely don't wanna go for anything offensive, racist, sexual (and no blonde jokes)
This one came out at an audition I was panelling on:
An underage mushroom walks into a pub. He leans over the counter and says to the barman:
- I want a beer. Now.
The barman looks at him, and replies:
- sorry mate, you're too young to drink.
The mushroom:
- oh come on man, I'm a fun guy! (funghi)
Love it!
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so here i go lowering the tone again-apologies in advance.
There's a woman that decides to get a treat for her husband, so she goes to ann summers and buys some crotchless knickers.
When he comes home, shes in the bedroom waiting on the bed with her legs spread. she says:
"Don't you wanna kiss this baby?"
And he says:
"No i f***ing don't! Look what it's done to your knickers!"
I thank you, i'll be here all week :0)
x
It is so much harder to type out jokes, so here we go people read with gusto!
--
A bit of red tarmac walks into a bar...
Red tarmac: GET ME A F***ING DRINK!
Barman: I beg your pardon.
Red tarmac: ARE U DEAF GET ME A F***ING DRINK YOU IDIOT!!!
Barman: I'm not serving you with that attitude.
The red tarmac kicks over some tables and chairs and storms out.
A bit of green tarmac walks into the bar.
Green tarmac: Excuse me, could I possibly have a drink?
Barman: Oi! I know your sort, I'm not serving you.
Green tarmac: I'm sorry, what do you mean?
Barman: You tarmac lot come in 'ere shouting the place down.
Green Tarmac: You haven't just met the red tarmac have you?
Barman: Yeah, why?
Green Tarmac: Oh, you want to stay out of his way, he's a cyclepath! (psychopath, get it?!?!?, boom boom)
--
Lewis
damn you Lewis I was just about to write that one!
Debra that big issue one has made me laugh for about fice minutes. in my head I can see a little slug handing out big issues! !hehe
1)What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
2)Knock knock
(Who's there?)
Jesus
(Jesus who?)
How many do you know?!
Here's one I heard a while back; not sure whether all the details are accurate but here goes:
"A woman is having a casual stroll in the park when she comes across a magic talking frog whom grants her three wishes but with a catch:
Frog: Remember whatever you wish for, your husband shall also recieve but one thousand times more.
Woman : Ok. First I wish to be the most beautiful and desired woman on the planet.
Frog : Your wish is granted. Your are now the most sought after female on the planet. And your husband is now the sexiest man in the solar
system.
Women : Second, I wish to be a multi-millionaire.
Frog : Your wish is granted. And your husband is now a multi-billionaire. And what is your final wish?
Woman : A mild heart attack. "
Regards,
Kal.
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There is a bra and a hat. The bra says to the hat, 'you go on ahead and i'll give these two a lift.'
Made me laugh!
hehe yes I like that one too !!
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Hi Nat...how's it going?
There are some really good jokes there guys. I particularly like the snowman/carrot one Rebecca. I'm stuck working in an office and they made me smile.
So here's one for you, I'm sure you've all heard it.....
"What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fssssh"
Susannah.x
I love the stupid ones the best -
'A magic tractor is driving down a road.....
it turns into a field'
Brilliant, I'm sure it would win you any role!
x
thanks susannah It always makes me chuckle!
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just 4 the record -
Q: How do you make a duck sing?
A: Stick it in a microwave until it's bill withers
I guess it's assuming too much that they'll be au fait with lesser known soul singers (although he did the classic 'Lovely Day'), but it's a cracker.
News was about to break that a scientist had invented a new sports bra that completely stopped boobs from moving about.
The invention died with him when his mates kicked his head in.
Two saugages in a frying pan, 1st one turns round and goes woooooooo its hot in here the other turns round and screams - aaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh a talking sausage!
Why does Noddy wear a cute little blue hat with a twinkly little bell on the top of it?
Cos he's a ****.
M.
P.S. Sorry about lowering the tone.
Why don`t elephants like penguins?
Cos they can`t get the wrappers off.
What`s brown & green, has six legs and is dangerous if it falls out of a tree on you?
A snooker table.
Good luck K
There are some corkers on here.
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What goes "ooooo"?
A cow with no lips.
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Lewis
hahahhaa LOL !! oh lewis you just had me it fits at work......... very funny!!
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What's green and goes red at the press of a button?
A frog in a liquidizer.
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